The Me God Sees

Life is a funny thing. We think we're in control. Or we know we are overwhelmingly not in control. There doesn't seem to be an in between. I fall into the latter group. Sometimes that's a struggle. I tend to like control. I like having a plan, a list, clear guidelines. And in a way God gives us this in His Word. In other ways we are to surrender and let God work out His good and pleasing will for us without all of the facts or details. I'd always considered it a bad thing to not be in control. For many years I played tug of war with myself over this. An internal battle of what my flesh desired and what my spirit knew I needed to do. But I was never in control. God is. Always has been. At best I was just adding detours to His plan for me. Extra strife that I didn't need to endure. Instead of striving for control, I should have been striving for surrender. I'm thankful that through those detours God taught me valuable lessons. It is so true what i...

This blog has been up for three years now. I had such high hopes and such good intentions for it, I just never found my groove with it. And with each new year I hoped that would change. I skimmed back through my first post. The journey I was supposed to document here. Oh the optimism, the certainty. I don't think I accomplished a single goal from that detailed list. It's not the first year I fell short and it wasn't the last. But I think I've figured out why. Actually scratch that, God showed me why. For a few months now I've been walking in the mornings. It started on a random Thursday...so out of character for my type A personality self to not choose a well thought out begin date. I was just fed up. Fed up with hating my reflection in the mirror. Fed up waiting for things to go just how I wanted them too. Fed up with myself. I never could have fathomed the blessing it would be. My morning walk time hasn't just been exercise, it's a beautiful and...

This week was one for the books. Monday was like any other day. Nothing unusual. No signs of things to come. And then Tuesday. Tuesday I woke up at 3am in pain. Now I’ve delivered three babies completely unmedicated in my home. I don’t think I have an exceptional pain tolerance but I feel safe in saying I can handle a bit of pain. But this pain nearly had me in tears. I messaged my husband first. Around the 1hr mark I sent a text asking for prayer to my lovely CBS leadership ladies. I don’t even have the words to express how amazing these ladies are. One immediately text back asking if she needed to come take me to the ER. Yes at 4am. Around the 1.5hr mark Jesse called me. Once he heard me on the phone he knew. No more being tough and waiting it out. He wanted me to go to the ER. My voice cracked and my eyes filled with tears and still I tried to explain how I thought it would be okay and I didn’t want to make a fuss. But at the same time I knew he was right. So I told my friend t...

Today I worked through Day Three of 100 Days to Brave. The task at the end of the devotional was to journal about two or three events or moments in your life where someone might have labeled you as brave. While trying to think through different events it hit me, “What one person might label as brave, another person might label as stupid.” Because every moments that popped into my mind I was immediately reminded of how that was a ridiculous thing to do. But isn’t that just like the enemy? He wants to take every good thing about you and twist it and distort it. If you can look past those lies, refocus on the truth of Christ, you can marvel at how God has equipped you. Looking back on my life I realized I was braver than I ever gave myself credit for. I’ve never really thought of how vulnerable and transparent I allow myself to be and how that is brave. I’d forgotten I made the first move with my husband. I’d overlooked how I’d stretched myself to embrace a leading. I deserve none o...

Last year I made big statements of faith. I was challenged and stretched in many ways. My faith was tested. Sometimes I fell short. Okay many times I fell short. But I accomplished my goal. While I have more work ahead of me this year, I made some of my biggest strides ever last year. Even with the setbacks and trip ups I still ended the year feeling a peace and love I’d only gotten glimpses of in the past. I’m still very much a work in progress. But I can feel the growth. This blog went by ignored despite a deep desire to utilize this space. There was a hesitation I just couldn’t move past. But I’m ready. This week I started a new devotional called 100 Days to Brave. And I want to document my journey here.

Almost an entire month of 2018 is behind us. This blog kept floating around my mind. Last year I had such clear, laid out goals. This year I don’t. I kept trying to figure out how to utilize this blog without the same plan and then it hit me. It’s all in the title. I created this blog with the purpose of documenting my journey to becoming who God believes I am and who God has called me to be. Honestly, while last year’s goals were well intentioned, there were so many that it was hard to maintain. I entered December no closer to my big picture goal than I had been in January. They just turned in to empty resolutions and I felt empty from failing. Then in the final days of 2017, I was reminded that my walk with God is more than a checklist of goals. It is an every day, all day, journey to choose him. To walk toward his open arms. I finally felt like things were falling into place and I could feel a change. I was letting go of some of the rigidity i tried to tackle last year. I was fi...

Imagine that. I slipped and stopped posting. Not the first time and I wish I could promise it would be the last. I do have hopes of continuing to use this blog. A new year will soon be upon us and there is lots in store for our family next year. I just haven't figured out how to use this blog yet. Giving a run down of my goals was uninteresting and awkward for me. But I do want it to be different from my other blogs, which have also gone neglected this year and many other times in the past. I will be thinking this through and getting back to you, if there are even any readers. Hope this year was well for you. Many blessings.